How To Survive Christmas With Your Relatives
Forget about the turkey and the mince pies, forget about the mulled wine and the eggnog, Christmas can only mean one thing: spending copious amounts of time with relatives that you barely know and don’t even like. We all know that no family fits that Christmas card image we see on TV, and that it looks more like one of our rude Christmas cards if anything. So to help you make it through this holiday season, here are our top tips for surviving Christmas with your relatives.
Send them rude Christmas cards
Start early by buttering up the in-laws with a few of our rude Christmas cards. Maybe a “It's that time of year to pretend you like your family #merryfuckingxmas”, “Merry Christmas. Now I don't have to have anything to do with you for another fucking year #merrychristmas”, or “Merry Christmas Cunt” rude Christmas card would do the trick. This is a great way to let them know exactly what you think of them, whilst still being thoughtful enough to send them a rude Christmas card.
Use your mobile phone a lot
Thank the baby Jesus for smart phones (in fact, maybe send him a “Happy Birthday Fucktard” birthday card while you’re sending out your rude Christmas cards, just to say thanks)! What did we do before them? Talk to our relatives and field questions about ‘what we’re doing with our lives’, that’s what! Instead, when things get a little rough, or you can’t bear listening to your six year old niece singing Christmas songs any more, just zone out and play Angry Birds on your phone for a little while. Maybe go on Tinder and plan an escape date, or head into the bathroom to send a few dick pics on Snapchat to pass the time. Whatever you do, don’t let that phone lose its charge, so bring a back-up battery just to be sure.
When all else fails, hit the booze, hard. Eggnog, mulled wine, chocolate liquors, whatever you can get your hands on to make the festive period just a little more bearable. If you can get everyone else to join you, that’s an added bonus, because you know you’re going to be seeing fireworks at the end of the night. It can be helpful to initiate a drinking game where you do a shot every time your uncle asks and inappropriate question, or your mum says “Isn’t this lovely” to really get the party started.
Occupy the kids
Few things can make you wish you were dead, than the piercing shrieks of a couple of kids running about at the house while you’re nursing a mammoth hangover. If you know there will be bored children vying for your attention this year, then come prepared with a board game, a film or an Xbox game that will keep them occupied for hours. Don’t let them talk you into playing it with them, just drop the gift and run, locking the door behind you.
Christmas can be tough for everyone, so just remember that every single person that you have to deal with at this time of year, is also wishing that they could be at home alone in their pants eating pizza, and not wearing a scratchy festive jumper in a mad house full of people that they are obliged to care about. So, eat until you feel sick, get drunk until you can’t see and just enjoy the car crash that is your family.