No Amount of Rude Christmas Cards Can Make Up For Not Getting That Elusive Gift
Customers are fighting outside shops and websites are crashing due to high demand, and it’s all thanks to Black Friday and Cyber Monday! These yearly sales see the general public go mad for toys, gifts, gadgets and games that are supposedly a good deal, but are they really? Often times you’ll search for a discounted product online, only to find that it’s normally cheaper than the offer price, robbing bastards! Christmas is already a stressful time for buying gifts, especially when the toys that your kids want are already sold out, and this madness only makes it even worse. So without further ado, here are our top toys that even a rude Christmas card won’t make up for not getting this year:
Hatchimals are basically the result of what would happen if a Furby and a penguin got drunk on Tequila shots and did the nasty. The toy is a large egg, which then hatches to reveal a fluffy penguin-like robot toy that talks, dances, sings, and plays games. These terrifying androids cost a whopping £60 and are already sold out almost everywhere, but you can still get them at inflated prices on eBay and other buy and sell websites. If you do manage to get one at a decent price by some sort of divine intervention, then be sure to send Jesus (even though his birthday has put you in this mess in the first place) a “Happy Birthday Cunt” birthday card to thank him for his efforts.
Remember the bug-eyed chatterbox that haunted your youth? Well Furby’s are back and they’ve had some upgrades to keep up with the cyber-age. Featuring a smartphone app and Bluetooth capabilities, there’s even an eye-mask for the little diva which will send it straight to sleep (thank the lord). We all have recurring dreams where we’re smothering this devil-toy with a pillow to get it to shut-up, right?
Boys love a gun, that’s just a fact, and the air-powered foam missile firing Nerf gun is the current firearm of choice for boys everywhere. But never fear, there’s a sickly pink and purple coloured one to appeal to the girls too, nicely upping the odds that you’re going to get a Nerf to the eye at some point. In fact we’d put a bet on that A&E will be rife with gunshot wounds this time next month. Not just for kids, it’s probable that a few of your mates will be receiving these for Christmas too, so get your “I'd wish you a Merry Christmas but you're a wanker”, “Merry Christmas Dick” and “Merry Fucking Christmas” rude Christmas cards ready in retaliation for the abuse you’re going to get.
WowWee Chip the Robot Dog
If you’ve got 200 quid spare come Christmas time, the WowWee Chip Robotic Dog is really something else. As with most toys, there’s an app, and you can train the dog by interacting with him and teaching him skills. Over time he develops a personality, until you’ve got a moody pooch that hates to walk. In fact, it might be less hassle and less expensive to get a real dog…
If there are two things that the kids these days like, it’s selfies and singing the same song for hours on end, right? And with the SelfieMic your kids can satisfy both of these needs in style. Obviously there’s an app for video making, where they can use the Selfie stick, add filters and effects, and generally be the rock star they know they are. Prepare for a few headaches come Christmas Day, and if someone buys this for your kids, make sure you send them a “Jesus was born to save cunts like you #merrychristmas” rude Christmas card in return.
It wouldn’t be Christmas without the yearly struggle to get your hands on the latest and greatest toys, and now thanks to us, you have a heads up for what to look for. So whether you shop online, or in physical shops, whatever you do, don’t go recreating Jingle All The Way!