No Amount Of Birthday Cards Can Make Up For Being Born On The Worst Day Of The Year
Unfortunately, if you were born on the 16th December, then you’ve inadvertently already failed at life by being born on the worst day possible. Seriously, no amount of rude or funny birthday cards will be able to make up for just how awful it is being born halfway through the last month of the year. Just face it, it’s cold, it’s wet, and no one can make it to your party.
Florist Interflora conducted a study of 2,000 Brits last year, showing that people born on the 16th have the worst birthday thanks to the cold weather, and just how close it is to Christmas, whilst people born on 28th July have the best birthday thanks to the summer sun, and how close it is to payday, lucky cunts!
The study also showed that 16% of people who were born in December were unhappy with their birthday, followed by 15% of people who were born in January, and 11% of people who were born in November. 27% of December birthdays complained that their presents were often wrapped in Christmas paper, whilst 31% said that their birthday often gets forgotten thanks to its proximity to Christmas. You’re probably more likely to get a rude Christmas card like our “As if you need a reason to eat shit, get wasted and bang your colleagues #happychristmas” offering than a birthday card at this rate.
It’s not just the day of your birthday that is shit, being born in December can actually affect every aspect of the rest of your life, from how much you earn to how expensive the gifts you receive are. For example, those born in December are least likely to earn the big bucks, with only 4% earning more than £45,000 per year (which is pitiful when compared with 12% of those born in August).
If you’re born in January however, it’s not much better, and your birthday is the most likely to be forgotten. And even if someone does remember your special day? You’ll probably receive a shit present anyway: 39% of people born in January said they usually receive presents bought in the January sales, whilst 14% receive re-gifted presents from Christmas. A further 22% said that their mates are too broke after Christmas to celebrate properly, so there’s not much point in even trying to have a good birthday, is there?
Interflora’s study also found that birthday cards are a dying art, with 42% of people choosing to no longer send birthday cards, instead choosing to send well-wishes on Facebook instead. So, if you’re one of this 42% then fuck you! Pull your finger out and send a bloody birthday card you lazy bastards. There are loads to choose from, like our “happy anniversary of the day you popped out your mum's front bottom #happyfuckingbirthday” or “glad your mum didn't swallow you #happyfuckingbirthday, or if you’re still hell-bent on the Facebook thing, then our “Any cunt can write on your Facebook wall. So here's a card #happyfuckingbirthday” is the perfect birthday card to send.
If you would like to see how your birthday fares in the grand scheme of things, Interflora have created an online app which lets you know how good your birthday is. Just log on to the website, select your birth month and day, and wait for your rating out of 10. Don’t worry though, as long as you aren’t born on 16th December, it can’t get much worse.